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Garbage Children: A Collection of Mostly Useless Spells
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Garbage Children: A Collection of Mostly Useless Spells

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There are 46 brand new spells in here and I'll be straight with you: they are garbage. Some of them are ok if you combine them with other spells. For example, Squirrel is good if you intend to befriend the squirrel for Beast Sense or Animal Messenger and there are literally no other animals around. Some of them are good if you have resources to deal with the fallout. For example, Lesser Lycanthrope can provide a pretty solid permanent buff to a party member. Also, there’s a ⅙ chance you’ll have to kill them. But if you have a party member with Revivify, those odds aren’t so bad! 

But mostly -- and I cannot stress this enough -- they are pure garbage. Take Chicken Chicken Chicken, for example. This isn’t actually a spell. To cast Banana Peel you literally eat a banana. Maybe Rabies? Maybe not. Probably 20% have something to do with bodily functions, because we are grown adults, such as Farting Smite and Bashir's Bladder Emptier. Many spells do what they say on the tin, and the tin is not especially attractive; spells like Freshen Breath, Become Drunk, and the coupe-de-gras, Waste Spell Slot, a 9th level spell with a 50% chance of wasting your spell slot, and a 100% of not doing anything productive whatsoever.

We did absolutely no playtesting for this. Our creative process went like this:

"Hey, what if there was a cantrip that made bread go stale?"

"Only bread?"

"Only bread. I call it Stale Bread."

"This is truly terrible. Write it up." 

This whole thing was a dumb, dumb joke that spiraled out of control, and now we have subjected you to our dumb, dumb joke.

Enjoy!

 
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12
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Original electronic
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File Last Updated:
November 08, 2019
This title was added to our catalog on November 08, 2019.