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Bert's Practically Useless Magic Items: Now including pets and spells!
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Bert's Practically Useless Magic Items: Now including pets and spells!


Bert’s Practically Useless Magic Item is a document of, well, practically useless magic items!

There are currently twenty-eight unique and practically useless magic items and nineteen unique and practically useless spells in this document.  I will add to the list whenever someone or something inspires me to make a new item!  

**2020 Update: Added one new armor and spells!!! Lots of Spells!!!**

I was planning to release a separate document for the spells but I decided against it and just added it as an update so everyone who already owns the document gets it for free.  I have increased the price of the product going forward. 

Other Bert Products!

Bert's Potion Shop: 75+ potions for nearly any circumstance!

Bert's Collection: Bundle of all Bert's products with discount!

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Reviews (2)
Discussions (6)
Customer avatar
Rory C April 29, 2021 1:45 pm UTC
I know there is upkeep on the pets but is there a price to buy them?
Customer avatar
Jia Jian T May 01, 2021 7:11 am UTC
nope. The concept behind the unique pets is that they are one of the kind. So, it's more of an "on loan" under the condition that the characters care for the pet consistently. The pet leaves and returns to Bert if the characters fail to care for it.
Customer avatar
Rory C May 01, 2021 1:44 pm UTC
cool thanks for that
Customer avatar
Rory C April 28, 2021 4:37 pm UTC
Bought the bundle and was wondering if you will come up with more practically useless items as i think they are awesome and made me laugh alot
Customer avatar
Jia Jian T April 29, 2021 5:18 am UTC
Thanks for the support! I've been working on some newer items but not enough for an update yet. The next bigger update for this product will likely be a change to the new layout I use (i.e., Bert's Potion Shop) with probably just a handful of new items.

But I mainly do this just for fun so honestly, no timeline on any of my future projects haha!
Customer avatar
Rory C April 29, 2021 1:33 pm UTC
no problem i had bert use a cockney accent and used him as a wandering salesperson with a jacket that when he opens it has all his wares like the old dodgy buying something off the street kind of guy. All the goblins will be named bert even though they will be meeting the players for the first time each time, "we met you before oh thats a different bert" all in all though my players had a laugh and i also decided to make him an ancient gold dragon that is polymorphed into a goblin incase any of the party decides to try to steal from him
Customer avatar
Jia Jian T May 01, 2021 7:07 am UTC
haha, that's excellent! funny enough, Bert is in fact an ancient gold dragon named T'Reb in the Adventurers League community-created content that I worked on. Though it was never directly reviewed to be so, characters that pay attention to all the hint dropped over a series of adventures can piece together this information :)
Customer avatar
Rory C May 01, 2021 1:45 pm UTC
Amazing i just thought of it when i had a thought of what if my players try to rob bert how could he deal with it and came up with it. I havent actually played any AL
Customer avatar
Jia Jian T April 25, 2021 9:06 pm UTC
Bert just launched a new product! Bert's Potion Shop! Everyone who purchased Bert's Practically Useless Items can purchase my new product at a slight discount through the bundle link below!
Customer avatar
William J December 09, 2019 8:49 pm UTC
From the sample: "Cursed: This bow is cured." Pretty sure it should read 'This bow is cursed." ;)
Customer avatar
Jia Jian T June 29, 2019 12:23 am UTC
New update! and printer friendly version has been added!
Customer avatar
Kaleb J February 21, 2019 5:34 am UTC
I was reading through this I think my favorite item so far is the Armor of Vengeance. I especially liked the example you gave of what the armor would do if you fell off a bridge.
Customer avatar
Jia Jian T February 22, 2019 6:18 am UTC
Working as intended, with unintentional side effects :D

Thanks for the feedback!
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File Last Updated:
August 11, 2020
This title was added to our catalog on January 19, 2019.